shroomies, Psilocybin, blue shrooms

Totally unexpected news...

Totally unexpected news...

I don't know if you guys will remember me, but I'm the girl who started her dreads with her best friend 6 months ago. Well my best friend told me that tonight shes cutting hers off. :( She said she's not happy and that she wants her dreads to grow happily and shes not happy. But I told her that everything was good when we started them. We cried for a while and she told me that shes keeping my dread which is in the front. I'm just so sad, but I can understand. We took one last picture, she's on the left in the Pizza Hut uniform, since it's our second home, haha.



And now my dreads at 6 months, something a little less sad:

be well, be good,
Caylyn

white rabbit, rabbit

Inactive

So, I'm sorry for not being as active as I'd like to be on here, I'm just really busy and blog on my Myspace. Yes, choosing Myspace's blog over Livejournal is really sad, but its quick because i'm on there like 24/7. I'll try to update this more often, say, weekly. :)

18 is appoarching my happy ass very quickly, 11 days! I'm so excited. I plan to move in with my boyfriend, Andy, and split rent and all that jazz. But first I need a different job, and before I look for that different job I need to stop smoking pot. Haha. I'm really excited to be finally turning 18, something I've waited for since I was 15! Its just been really important to leave my parents, my overprotective, exteremely over the edge parents. I'm also getting a tattoo of a mushroom on my birthday. :)  Its going to be super sweet. :)

So lalala. :)

be well,
Caylyn
nin

Ephiphany

Ephiphany-a major life changing moment, a relization. I had this a couple of weeks ago while thinking about my life and what i'm going to do with it, I have hours to think about. I have had a lot of experiences throughout my life already and i'm still just a kid. I've grown, I've been supressed, I have felt love, I have been forgotten, I have left people, people have left me, I have created, I have destoryed, I have given someone life and I have snatched it away, I have had power and I have been belittled. Its a lot for just being almost 18, I think I feel older than what I am because of so many deep connections I've been in. And it doesn't just include romantic relationships, its everything that my life is made up of.

Everyone has had different experiences and have been involved with other people, different relationships. Friendships, lovers, parents, siblings, everyone all meshed into this thing we call life. Not to mention countless other things, like thoughts, emotions, religion, natrual occurences. And we give it all we have, but does it amount to anything in the end? Do we all just die? And if so then why do we try and spend so much time getting everyone's acceptance? Its so important to a lot of people, acceptance feels nice, but its not so necessary that people should become obssessed with it. And why do people find it so necessary to decieve? I've known people for years and years and I never thought that they'd do what they've done. I'm still the same person, only happier, I get so confused sometimes by the way people interact with other people. I have to ignore it sometimes or it'll just knock me off my tracks and to me its not that important. I'd just like to know why, sometimes. Its understandable to wonder why.

In my life there has been a lot going on, I've been engaged and had my entire life planned out for me and that was that, and then all of a sudden I wasn't and my life is an open agenda, free to anything I want to add. Its liberating, but its amazing how life can be changed by one choice that you make. It'll make a ripple effect and touch other people's lives, lives that don't even need to be affected by the option that you make. Friends should be there for you, no matter what choices you make, as long as you love them and care for them then thats all that matters. You can disapprove, you can hate the option, but the important part is that your the net that catches your friends when they need it. Right now my net doesn't consist of hardly any friends at all, my net is a tall, lanky boy and a poofy haired sibling. They have my back, my balls when I need them and I always need them. It's kind of amazing that I've cut out the rest, or the rest have left me, either way its really awkward and amazing at the same time. If those people are bullshit now, then they've bullshitted me all through life, and I don't need bullshitters to fuck with my life. You only get one, you have to perfect it to the way you want.

And really that is what life is about, YOU. If you're unhappy YOU have to change it, no one else will do it for you. Cut the cords that strangle and choke your happiness and your world becomes different. Not stating that you should be selfish, but maybe be more selfish. Selflessness makes you a good person, but theres a point where people will start to see that you are selfless and will use that to use you because thats how shitty people are. You can't really trust anyone, you have to be very careful with who you share your life with, you have to be very careful with who you trust. This is something I've known all along, but its much more clear to me now. You have to not try to be friends with everyone and just be there for the people that you love and be happy. Thats what life is about, happiness, because if you're not happy then you might as well be dead. Because feeling anything else BUT happiness is terrible. Sometimes you know you're alive by those feelings and they are necessary to life, but being sad and depressed all the time is no way to live. You have to celebrate what you have or you're just wasting your time and everyone else's.

My ephiphany includes all of what was just stated, I think its something to share with the rest of the world because it may help some people realize what is going on. And if not then I hope you thought about what I had to say, atleast take something of what I said with you.

be well, be good,
Caylyn
flower, daisy

Change

Change is something that will always happen and I've began to learn this, it's a slow and sure process, but I have learnt that no matter how hard you try to deny your heart you will always follow it. It may not always be the best, but remember live with no regrets. :)

I'm breaking up with my long-term engagement partner, Joshua, because we want two different things out of life and that is okay, we can do that single or whom ever we come across, but I have noticed that I am very unhappy with my life and I have been for a long time. Everything around me has changed but our relationship and I think that is what has been hurting us the most, staying together for fear of being alone. I don't fear it any longer, I have myself and my friends and that is all I need. :) It'll be hard for a little while, but I think it'll be better that way. I just want to be happy and I am not, I can feel my heart fill with cheer that I will get to do what I want to do with my life, even though I am losing someone very special, I will be gaining something very special as well. And who knows, if we meet up in the end then it was meant to be, if it was meant to happen, it will happen and this is happening so it is meant to. Life is filled with happiness and sadness, I'm ready for my peice of happiness. Whether it be with someone else or by myself, I want that happiness that I do not have. Things are heavy, astranged and bojangled to hell, but someone I can feel that happiness deep inside my heart. +butterflies and tingles+ I'm excited to start my life and he is excited to settle down, and both are valuable so I think we shouldn't hold each other back from that, live life so free and fantastic, even if it doesn't include one another. I don't know what else to do at this point, but I can feel that this is the right choice for me right now. Its a change, its an intense change, a big change, but I think it'll all work out in the end. 

So "...don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing, is gonna be alright..." 
And Bob is right, everything will be alright.

be well,
Caylyn

nin

Disappearing/Reappearing

Life is stress.
I hate
it sometimes, a lot lately. It is very hard to like something that puts you through so much hell in so little time. It makes your head feel full and empty all at once. You want it to stop but it will not and it doesn't. 
Just keep your head up, is what I have to keep saying to myself, or I will fall into a pit of shit again. 

Going to visit a college on Friday, it should be groovy. Its an art school, even though it is Catholic, I think it will be okay. You see, I'm basically the antichrist, haha. :) I'm bringing 12 peices with me, hoping to catch the people's attention, perhaps I will get a scholarship? It is all I can hope for right now. 

Still working at Pizza Hell, it's terrible, if ever the chance to even order from there--DO NOT. I hate it! I'm underpaid, I look like a boy in my uniform AND I hate everyone who works there, haha. :) The food is disgusting, the dishes are disgusting, the people are disgusting, just don't even go there. 

The girl who got me into a car crash wants me to take her home all the time and I've had enough of that shit. I don't want the constant reminder of her prescense that my leg is fucked up because she doesn't know how to drive. She's ridiculous. So a van going 55mph slamming into YOUR side of the fucking vehicle is pretty shitty, especially when you walk with a limp. Saweet. Not so much. Bitch. 

I don't really have much to say, just a bunch of rambling, sorry. 

be well, 
Caylyn
flower, daisy

Job Issues

Cold, chilling, you can see your own breath...its Autumn, almost Winter, a time of rememberance. A time of beginning....

I am becoming more and more sick of my job, I work too hard for too little. 5.85 for doing everything, dishes, salad bar, cleaning...I am sick of it. I'm thinking about working at Quiznos. You can wear your piercings, a black or khaki skirt, and your chucks, if you want to. Not to mention the labor isn't hard, you don't have to do EVERYTHING and you don't get hit like you do while you're at Pizza Hut. We fucking ran out of forks Friday night, isn't that some sad fucking shit? I hate everyone at Pizza Hut, and I like Kayla and Kara, a lot, they are really fucking cool, so I think I"m going to quit and work there. What do you all think would be in my best interest?

As for the weather, its amazing! I love wearing hoodies and sweaters all the time. I love feeling cozy and warm. :)

Well, I gotta go, get ready to goto work all day. Sunday is the day where I have no soul. :)

be well,
Caylyn

peace

Tea Break

Thats what I'm having right now, before I have to go back to school at 12:45 for 2nd and 1st period. I thought I'd give a little update so everyone knows I'm infact, not dead.

Though I've not uploaded any new artwork in a little less than a month or so, I'm trying to find time between work and school to create. Its within my bones to create, I have to, any artist knows the feeling. I've managed to draw an image of half of my face with headphones on and many images are flowing from the phones. I am pretty satisified thus far, I have to color a few more things then I'll upload it for all to see. :)

Work is extermely bothersome. I have no time for myself or anyone else. It hurts my spine so much, I may consider getting the scolious surgery if I have to put up with it like this the rest of my life. I burn myself all the time on things you shouldn't burn yourself on! Its either exteremely cold or exteremely hot, its never just warm or cool. They keep assigning me thaw list, a cleanup everyone is supposed to share, I've done TWICE in a row and a total of 5 times all together. Some girl that have worked there many, many months longer than myself have only done it once, tell me, is that fair? Not so much. Still, I have to keep my job or I fail my job class at school. Money is nice, but not that nice, especially when you have absoultley no time to spend it or treat yourself to something nice. Instead, all of it goes into my gas tank, which is empty...AGAIN.

As far as my journey with my dreadlocks go, I'm a month and 6 days into it. Some days I really, really hate them and just want my straight hair back, other days I love them, like today. I guess thats why they call them dreads, because you dread them. <shrugs> I keep writing about them because this is a new beginning for me. These dreadlocks are going to root me to the people that matter most and lock me to their hearts for good. I chose to dread my hair right now because during your senior year you go through many changes, and when you graduate, a lot of the people you used to be with will fade in time from your life. I already know that all of my senior friends last year have faded. I always try to make an effort to stay in touch, but when the other party has no interest then there is no point. These dreads are going to attach the people who matter most to me, Alyssa is dreading her hair with me, we started the same day, she really means the world to me. Not only are the locks going to help keep the ones near and dear locked with me, they are a new start. I have gone through a bout of depression this past year and as soon as I got out of it, I decided to dread my hair with only postive vibes. Dreadlocks will hold these and the caring and love of Mother Earth because they are locked like roots, not wispy and floaty. But this is my personal journey and there is much more to it, but I don't know how interested you all are in my hair. :/

Its 11:11, make a wish.

Thats all for now.

be well,
Caylyn
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    calm calm
  • Tags
flower, daisy

Speaking from the Heart

From the bottom of my heart I know what is right and I usually do it, but lately my heart has been confused. I don't know if its because I have absoultely no time to think because I'm always at work, or if I'm just not thinking hard enough, whatever the reason I'm just a little confused with life right now. Just a little...

Last night I burnt myself on the top of an oven at work, it hurts soooooo fucking bad! The skin is really scorched! I bet, no, I know it will scar. I hate scars, unless they have a cool story, but none of mine do...just terrible things. I try to stop it, but sometimes it just keeps on coming. Last night was an accident though, I'm way too short to see over those ovens. Had a manager take the shit off the top so I could squeegie it. But I for sure get paid on Monday! :) Hooray! I have no idea how much I make, but if its less than 100 dollars I'm gonna kill someone because I worked my fucking ASS off in there!!! If it is less then I'll work like I'm getting paid. :) I'm a fucker, I know. :)

But as soon as I get some moneys, I plan to get my industrial piercing that I have been wanting! Its this thing:  I bet the school will try to tell me its TWO piercings connected one another, but they dont' call it industrial piercingS, its a piercing. Either way, I'm getting it, I'll just hide it with my hair if they decide to be Christians about it. Lalala!

I keep updating everyone on my dreadlocks and thats because its a journey for me. A big one. I've wanted dreads since I was like 14, thats 4 years or so! I never do anything to my hair, I don't dye it, perm it, straighten it, curl it, cut it. Its just there, just like that since the 1st grade. So I think my locks are going to be amazing, they are 3 weeks and 2 days old, but they are bothering the holy hell right out of me because they STILL just look like messy hair. My friends insist they do not, but I know they do. :) (from the bottom of my heart. :) Not mention the extereme amount of fuzz I  battle with. i just want them to hurry along and turn into amazing, locked up dreadies. And I don't know if they need maintence or not, so I don't know if I should goto Nigel's again. Hmmm...

Today is my day off! Hooray! But its already started out shitty because I lost my nose ring in my bed this morning. Goddamn't. I have to go on that adventure now, to find it.

be well,
Caylyn

 

9:13

trees

JobbaJobba Sucks...

Like many other people around the world, I hate my job! I want a different one so bad, and yesterday I thought it was pay day, BUT ITS NOT. I have to wait another week before I can get my check, that extra boost that I KNOW will keep me going. I was going to get my industrial piercing on Thursday, but now I can't because I only have $2.00 to my name. :( Goddamn't. Pizza Hut sucks a big one. 

But on a lighter note, I finished my Mother Goddess pot today! Its so beautiful! I've gotta wait until its fired though, so I can glaze it. :) Then I'll post it! I'm also making mushroom coffee mugs, I would like to share those as well. :) 

My dreadlocks are coming along, they are almost 3 weeks old, on Thursday they will be. They are very aggerviating and frustating. Some days I love them, other days I DREAD ever dreading my hair. Is that why they call them dreadlocks? Hm...But anyhow, I will post a collective of my dreadlock photos on a gallery in here. I want to get some peyote stitches and little beads because the big beads won't fit in my hair. I can't believe some dreadheads don't wash their hair for like 5 days at a time! Thats so crazy! I can barely stand not washing them ONE day! Hygieneobsessed? Maybe.


I hope everyone is enjoying themselves....

be well,
Caylyn 
fly agaric, mushroom, amanita

Dreadlocks and Mushrooms

So I've decided to grow the dreadlocks that I've always wanted just recently. They are about 1 week and 1 day old and I love them already! They are starting to lock up and look sort of like dreads instead of just unbrushed hair. I'm very excited about this journey. I have pictures of my dreading process on www.cookie_doughtourniquet.myspace.com  .

Yesterday I ate some mushrooms with my best friend and my boyfriend. It was ultimately a crazy experience. Alyssa's hair looked like dreadies, full, thick ones. We ate too many and I ended up staying in the bathroom all night in Josh's arms crying, snotting, puking. I was so confused. I confused all things in my head, school, work, and I watched Hostel earlier yesterday so I kept thinking that someone was going to cut the back of my legs so I couldn't walk. I was terrified and the bathroom was pulsing, it was like a mental ward. I just ate too many, they were extermely potent and I thought I was going to die. My really brain hurts today. It just seemed like an experience I have to share with someone, it was really intense and it brought us together more. My heart feels attached to his, like a string is connecting us and it makes me melt. He just took extermely good care of me, talked to me, held me, so I guess it was worth spending around 3 hours throwing up. It fixed some major problems in our relationship. :) But next time I'm only eating a couple, because that was horribly horrible.

Besides those two interesting exciting things, I'm going to be making a couple of things in ceramics that I may share with you guys if it turns out. I'm excited to start making them, two mushroom coffee mugs and a Mother Earth bowl. Also will be in the process of making a new DeviantId so you can see my halfway formed dreadlocks. Other artistic happenings include a drawing of tripped out smurfs and new abstract watercolors. I'm thinking about opening a print account, but thats only if people will buy them.

Anyhow, thats all.

be well,
Caylyn